Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
