I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
As shirtless as possible
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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