At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
