good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
