I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
