dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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