He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
