i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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