she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
