ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
