this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
