woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
