you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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