so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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