Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
