We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
