i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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