I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
