false alarm. still invincible.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
