The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
