I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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