Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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