I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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