I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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