You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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