Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
