Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
