On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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