I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
