Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My breasts were aching with rage.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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