you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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