I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
