I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
