if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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