you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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