Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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