her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
