I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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