he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
