I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
