I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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