dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
