I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
