I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.