I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.