Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
