My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
