I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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