my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
