how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
