Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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