I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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