The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
