One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
