I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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