Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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