Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
