If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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